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Small Gifts.

I hate to keep bringing it up, but the last year of my life has been less than desirable. Devastating. Soul-crushing. Tear infused and physically painful. Confusing. Exhausting. Debilitating. But I learned that, unless you are literally dying, your are not actually going to die. Less than desirable, devastating, soul-crushing, tear infused and physically painful, confusing, exhausting, and debilitating will not actually kill you. At times you wish they would, but they don't. That means you only have the option to survive...and God, survival really sucks sometimes. It is ugly and crude and unshowered and baggy-eyed. It is misspoken words and polite, self-preserving lies. It is smiling with a broken heart. And even when you wish Survival would suck the last shallow breath from you, you will find gifts.

SMALL GIFTS.

At the very lowest point of the last year, I decided to pay attention to the things that were going on around me. There were ten bazillion bad things happening that were each trying to take me down. However, in every single day, there would be a small gift for me if I just stopped to notice. I have a huge box of notes and cards from people I love, each a small gift. Messages and hugs and unexpected contact with people...THE SUN WOULD SHINE. Anything. And looking back now, I realize that, even when 37 bad things happened, the one small gift outweighed them all. I can't tell you the specifics of the shitstorm, but I can tell you exactly how I felt when I got that one note or the unexpected knock on the door or the salad in my mailbox (no seriously). There were times I really had to stretch for it but it happened nonetheless. There was a Wednesday - nacho day on the school lunch menu (a day hated by my middle son) - when I looked in the frig knowing I had blown off the grocery store for my couch and a box of kleenex and seriously wondered how I would pack a lunch with mustard, questionable wilted vegetables, salad dressing, and Coke Zero. Here comes my little Benny out from his bedroom and says, "Mom, I think I want to give the nachos another try." SMALL GIFTS, PEOPLE. In that moment, my sweet little Benny saved me from feeling like the worst mom in the world because I had neglected lunches for my sadness (because Mom Guilt is a real thing even when we don't suck all that bad).

I just typed in the words "small gifts" to search through my email and found this. This is what I wrote to a rather unexpected friend - a small gift in and of itself.

"One more thing…I have to tell you about the “small gifts.” "...I started also noticing that, no matter how bad things felt, something good would happen to me every single day. One day my favorite sheets from Target were on sale. One day I had lunch with a friend whose sister knew a good attorney. One day I got a message from my best friend from South Africa (we used to live there). Every single day of this long, ugly process, something good has happened and I keep calling them the “small gifts.” No matter what happens, they are there. They find me and keep me from feeling like this is all too hard. Your note was my small gift for that day. It made me realize that maybe writing a blog - this thing I love to do - might do something for someone other than me. Maybe I should keep doing it."

There are signs everywhere that point us to positivity if we are open and willing to see them. "Small gifts" has become a theme of this trial in my life and I'm not sure I'll ever give it up. No matter how bad things get, when you open your mind to the good, you will see it more and more. Take stock in the things that remind you how precious this life is. Look for the things that remind you that you are a warrior. Watch for the signs that point to all the good in the world. The universe is cheering for you. You'll be ok. Just keep your eye on the SMALL GIFTS.

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