Lady Bossery

It is a subject that 99.9% of women (that is my “scientific” guess) talk about, think about, and wrestle with every day from the time we are about 12 years old. If you become a mom, it grows like that weird talking plant in Little Shop of Horrors. If you don’t become a mom, it buzzes in your ear like a rabid mosquito. If you work, it nags at you. If you don’t work it is a little voice in your head chattering away at you. And I would be willing to bet it is a topic of conversation when you are with your girlfriends. It causes tears and anxiety, frustration and insecurity, and the worst part is, it really only plagues women. I have yet to heard a group of guys stressing over being “good enough” (I shall eat my words when this happens).

We are never enough. Let me rephrase that…we never FEEL like we are enough. 

The other day I was juggling my three boys (thank you Fall Break…I mean, didn’t we just start school?) and work and breakfast and all of my usual adult duties. I sent out the SOS text to a couple friends who understand my middle son’s need for social interaction every minute of the day and received the Godsend response, “Bring him over!” The text came from a fellow mom who I have always considered out of my parenting league. She is the mom who does lots of cool projects, rides a longboard with her kids, and seems to love every single second she spends with her children. She wears a mom-halo in my eyes. In comparison, I have to laugh at myself. I always feel like I am hanging on for dear life. I am a working, single mom - like many of you - and I am squeezing things in here and there, scraping by on time, and the only Pinterest-ing going on in this house is after bedtime with a glass of red. And I’m not the type to hide my hot mess…its all out there for everyone to see and laugh with me. 

And then this amazing conversation happened…

My mom-hero told me she just started working again because she feels like she needs and wants to use her brain for something other than parenting. She told me about a conversation she had with her husband (an accountant) about being a stay-at-home parent. She said, “Imagine if every time you spent an hour working on a spreadsheet, someone went in and deleted like 75% of it and you had to start over.” I was a stay-at-home mom for 5+ years and before that I traveled all over the world for a corporate IT job. I’ve done it both ways. I get it. We talked about how there seems to be this common insecurity in women where, when we stay home with our kids, we have so little to talk about. We feel like we want people to know we once ran an office or managed a team of grown-ups. We want to talk about things other than the bodily functions of our toddlers and kids sports and who has the best grocery pick-up service. We know we are so fortunate to be able to stay home with our kids, but we also struggle with feeling like laundry, meals, and Connect Four are fulfilling. 

And then, when you work, you never feel like you can give everything you have to everyone who needs you. How often do you find yourself saying, “I’ll get you a snack in a minute. I just have to do one little thing for work.” And then you rush through the work thing so that Junior doesn’t melt down before the air-puffed-cheesy-messy things make it into the bowl. And you probably missed Muffins with Moms because you had a meeting…or you missed your meeting for Muffins with Moms. You lay in bed at night with lists running through your head that might look something like this:

• Send meeting notes out to team
• Finish financial report
• Contact John Smith about facility rental
• Wash chocolate icing off of Junior’s lovey
• Send XYZ software statistics to Susan 
• Make vet appointment for Fido
• Interview with Sam Anderson

And maybe you have a nanny or a babysitter helping you…and you love it and you feel guilty about it and you know its a need, not a want. You try so hard to plan your meals, but sometimes the Golden Arches are just so easy. SO. EASY. And your job…you love your job or you hate your job but have to pay the bills. Ugh. Bills. And you should really put your phone down in the evenings, but you can’t. Work people need you. Home people need you. Everyone needs you.

Is this the plague of women everywhere? Are we programmed to never feel like we are enough? I think we are natural caregivers and accommodators and that can be a great thing. But it can also leave us feeling like under-appreciated servants and just plain worn out. It leaves us feeling like we do so much but aren’t good enough at any of it. We aren’t good enough parents. We aren’t good enough employees. We aren’t good enough spouses and partners. And we apologize for EVERYTHING.

Let’s decide right here and now to start a revolution. Don’t worry, we’ll start small but we will join forces and change the world. I know, its ambitious but we can do it. After all, look at all the things we do everyday! We are raising children (sometimes on our own), we are working, cooking, cleaning, meeting, loving, wiping little noses, getting oil changes, volunteering, adopting, giving, delegating, managing, taking out the garbage, washing, drying, folding, AND putting away (ok, most of the time). Ladies, as Queen Beyonce said, “Who run the world? GIRLS!” What are we possibly apologizing for? Are we sorry for taking so much on? Are we sorry for making things happen? Are we sorry for juggling tiny humans and big humans all at the same time? Are we sorry for doing what we have to do to get things done? Raise your hand if you are doing the best you can. That’s right. Damn right. You have already taken charge. We are done apologizing and we are done making excuses for feeling like we are not good enough. We are good enough to run our families and show them what hard work looks like. We are good enough to raise the future grown-ups. Look around you and really SEE everything you do. And the next time this conversation comes up amongst your lady friends, be the catalyst for change in the way we see ourselves as women, moms, employers, and employees. And, by all means, NEVER EVER apologize for your LADY BOSSERY!