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Benefit of the Doubt. Always.

Every single day I encounter some situation that could have gone better. Some could have gone A LOT better. I say or do the wrong thing, someone is less than kind to me, I am impatient with my kids or my husband, someone takes out their frustration on me. In any case, feelings are evoked that make us flare up, fly off, or bring us down. I am here to tell you that I think its time we all gave each other the benefit of the doubt. Every time. All the time.

Have you seen all of the articles lately listing out the "Ten Things Never to Say to...?" I've seen the one about what never to say to the parent of an adopted child. Or how about what not to say to someone who has lost their father? Don't say XYZ to breastfeeding/working/stay-at-home/organic/non-organic moms. Ten things never to say to white, single, gay men who prefer carbohydrates for breakfast on Tuesdays at 10 am. Stop. Just stop. I understand that these articles are meant to be a guideline for people attempting to provide insight into what it is like to be a white, single, gay men who prefer carbohydrates for breakfast on Tuesdays at 10 am, however, they absolutely kill the benefit of the doubt concept.

Because I am human and I'm assuming you are too, I have said the wrong thing at the wrong time (actually, filter failure is my middle name). I can't even fathom how many times some idiotic comment has flown from my lips and I have offended someone I love or someone I hardly know. But what if - just what if - what I said was an honest mistake? What if I meant absolutely no harm at all with what I said? What if I was having a terrible day and was distracted by a million different things and the wrong words just happened? Would you spend the day being mad at me or would you give me the benefit of the doubt that my intentions were not ill at all?

I have a particular person in my life whom I admire very much because she is just a good person. I strive to emulate her attitude about people. She told me that when someone crosses her, she makes up a story about them in her head about the bad day they might be having and it helps her to be more empathetic. This seems so basic, right? Someone honks at you and gives you "the naughty finger" on the road. Instead of letting that anger creep into your bubble, tell yourself the poor guy is late for work, his credit card just got declined at the gas station, his wife is mad at him, and his pants are too tight. Dude...that sucks and if it made you feel better to show me your naughty finger, then let it out man.

We recently made an honest mistake and forgot to ask permission from our neighborhood homeowners association to paint our house. It was truly an honest mistake. Nevertheless, we got a notice from a property management company on behalf of the board of our association, that we were to cease all work immediately. There was no indication of next steps, timeline for communication or action...nothing. In the meantime, I told the painters to stop painting the brick (apparently painted brick is the issue) but told them to continue painting the white trim. The trim was white before we painted the brick but as the gray was sprayed on, it needed to be redone. I consider myself a pretty reasonable person so I thought, surely this can be resolved in a friendly, neighborly way. I sat down and wrote an email to the board explaining our intentions to improve our home to benefit the neighborhood, describing the success we have had selling (lots of) houses in the past, and that we continued painting because we take a lot of pride in our house and having it half finished just didn't seem fair to do to our neighbors. No response from the board. No one from the board took the time to knock on the door, meet us, and have a neighborly conversation about the house. Are they interested to know that no less than 5 cars stop at our house daily to let us know how much they like what we have done? Do they care enough to take the time to meet us and realize we are not pot-stirrers but just proud home owners? Have they taken the time to really look at the house and realize that it was done professionally? While I understand the importance of covenants, design standards, etc., it seems there must be room for the evolution of style in any neighborhood. Review things on a case-by-case basis. Now all communication from them is coming through an attorney, we have hired a lawyer (ridiculous)...and yet, these people are my neighbors and I am still hopeful that there is some reasonable resolution other than stripping the paint from the brick (which we were told we have 30 days to complete or we pay a $25/day fine until it is done). All that aside, let's work together. Give me the benefit of the doubt that we are not ill-intentioned people.

Imagine what things would be like if we all tried a little harder to give each other the benefit of the doubt! We would be kinder, we would love more, argue less, and certainly wouldn't carry the weight of so much frustration with us. "Be kind always. For everyone you know is fighting a battle you know nothing about." There is a reason this saying resonates so deeply with so many of us. I promise to always give you the benefit of the doubt. Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

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