It was a couple years ago that I first saw that little saying that registered so deeply with so many people. It went something like, “Be kind always. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” I remember reading that and thinking, holy shit, YES. I probably shared it on Facebook like everyone who saw it and felt that deep down agreement with such simple words. It is simple and brilliant and universal. We all know that feeling of wanting to say to someone, “DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW?!?!” Any time in my life I have experienced any sort of tragedy, there is that eerie feeling when you look around and everyone seems to be going on about life as if everything is ok and you just want to stop and scream at the top of your lungs, EVERYTHING IS NOT OK!! It is the loneliest island, isn’t it? But this simple little concept - the one where we are all fighting battles - reminds us that we are sharing this giant island, fighting next to each other, doing our best.
A few weeks ago I read an article about “holding space.” I know at some point I heard about this concept, but I’m not sure it registered with me or intrigued me until just recently. You see, when things go all kinds of wrong, you read and read and search and watch and, most importantly, talk and listen. You analyze your feelings 937 times a day. Your mind races and goes places that don’t even make sense. You think the worst, you think the best. Things are up and then down and then up again before you can take a breath. And then there are the people who can slow, and even stop the rollercoaster for you for a just a few moments. The people who hold space for you.
What does it mean to hold space? I am not a psychologist or a doctor or a yogi or a Buddhist, but I am a friend, sister, daughter, mother, etc. and I have needed all kinds of space held for me. In my opinion, to hold space for someone means that you love without judgment, you care without rules or limitations, you leave the door cracked for new ideas, and you are open to understanding outside of what you have always thought to be truth.
When you hold space for your fellow human, what you are really saying is:
- You are a hot mess but I love you anyway.
- I can’t imagine how you feel so I am just going to listen.
- I might not say the right thing but I am here no matter what.
- It might not feel like it, but you’re doing just fine.
- After hearing your feelings, I can see how you got here.
- Put on your big girl panties and let’s go drink wine.
- You look beautiful in those clothes you’ve been wearing for three days. They coordinate perfectly with the comforter on the bed you can’t get out of.
I am a bit (ha!) of an open book. There is a good chance that, if I’ve had more than three conversations with you, you probably know my life’s story. For better or worse, that is just me, and it has taught me to take stock in those people who hold space for me. They are the people who can look at my face and know, oh shit, she needs a hug. Words aren’t going to help this one. They are the people who cry with me. You know your people…your space holders. Think of them right now. They are a relief, aren’t they? But what about the space we hold for people we don’t know? As mothers, we tend to hold space for the mom on the plane with the screaming toddler. We hold space for the people we see who have clearly been crying, even though we don’t know who they are or why they are crying. We hold space when we say, I don’t understand but I am here and I will try.
I recently received a message from a friend I haven’t seen in years. All it said was “Was just thinking about you. Want you to know I love you.” In that moment I realized that, despite not seeing her in person, I hold space for her and in her message I knew that she holds the same space for me. It feels good to hold space for people and it feels really good to have it held for me too.
To hold space…to be on call with a gentle and sincere love that has no rules. Try it.
A few weeks ago I read an article about “holding space.” I know at some point I heard about this concept, but I’m not sure it registered with me or intrigued me until just recently. You see, when things go all kinds of wrong, you read and read and search and watch and, most importantly, talk and listen. You analyze your feelings 937 times a day. Your mind races and goes places that don’t even make sense. You think the worst, you think the best. Things are up and then down and then up again before you can take a breath. And then there are the people who can slow, and even stop the rollercoaster for you for a just a few moments. The people who hold space for you.
What does it mean to hold space? I am not a psychologist or a doctor or a yogi or a Buddhist, but I am a friend, sister, daughter, mother, etc. and I have needed all kinds of space held for me. In my opinion, to hold space for someone means that you love without judgment, you care without rules or limitations, you leave the door cracked for new ideas, and you are open to understanding outside of what you have always thought to be truth.
When you hold space for your fellow human, what you are really saying is:
- You are a hot mess but I love you anyway.
- I can’t imagine how you feel so I am just going to listen.
- I might not say the right thing but I am here no matter what.
- It might not feel like it, but you’re doing just fine.
- After hearing your feelings, I can see how you got here.
- Put on your big girl panties and let’s go drink wine.
- You look beautiful in those clothes you’ve been wearing for three days. They coordinate perfectly with the comforter on the bed you can’t get out of.
I am a bit (ha!) of an open book. There is a good chance that, if I’ve had more than three conversations with you, you probably know my life’s story. For better or worse, that is just me, and it has taught me to take stock in those people who hold space for me. They are the people who can look at my face and know, oh shit, she needs a hug. Words aren’t going to help this one. They are the people who cry with me. You know your people…your space holders. Think of them right now. They are a relief, aren’t they? But what about the space we hold for people we don’t know? As mothers, we tend to hold space for the mom on the plane with the screaming toddler. We hold space for the people we see who have clearly been crying, even though we don’t know who they are or why they are crying. We hold space when we say, I don’t understand but I am here and I will try.
I recently received a message from a friend I haven’t seen in years. All it said was “Was just thinking about you. Want you to know I love you.” In that moment I realized that, despite not seeing her in person, I hold space for her and in her message I knew that she holds the same space for me. It feels good to hold space for people and it feels really good to have it held for me too.
To hold space…to be on call with a gentle and sincere love that has no rules. Try it.
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